You, you want nothing to do with me

Inspired by Duane Michals...(Click on it to make it bigger)

2008-04-10T00:57:16Z

otrueapothecary @ 2008-03-29T11:59:00

2008-03-29T16:01:05Z

Old journal.
I feel like a better person when I write in there.

:]

I can't wait for summer.
And ice cream.
And no school.
And driving with my windows down.
And slayering people.
And taking photographs everywhere.
And hopefully,
spending it with some of my new UB friends.
I'd like that a lot.

otrueapothecary @ 2008-03-07T14:25:00

2008-03-07T19:51:16Z

You say you wouldn't talk about me.
But I know you do.
Maybe I'm just too good at using a computer.
I'm not ignorant.
I'm confused.
I don't have 5 blogs.
I dont have 7 websites.
I have LJ, myspace, and Facebook.
The whole world doesn't see.
If that were true,
that'd be truly amazing.
But not everyone knows me.
I am insignificant
in this huge world.
Others can't afford a computer.
You tell me my speculations are wrong.
But what about yours?
You were way off.
I don't know any guy
that loves thursday.
And if I did, that'd be really awesome.
That’s like if you found a girl
That liked your brothers band a lot
You’d want to talk about it
Because it’s really cool.
Don’t deny that.
If what I wrote doesn’t get to you
Why would you write to me?
A 5 paragraph soliloquy.
Obviously it got to you.
I’m not an idiot.
And a college girl
Going to school to be a teacher…
Laughing at someone
Because of what they wrote
And because they have feelings.
That is the definition of immature.
I can’t believe a girl
The age of my sister doing that.
That’s petty.
You shouldn’t have even told me that.
You made her look like a complete idiot.
Maybe calling you fat
Is a way that I cope.
Because it might make me feel better.
Which is strange.
I’m not fat.
You always told me I wasn’t.
You told me I was beautiful.
That doesn’t change.
I still am.
And you still think so.
I never said I hated you.

To point out something about

Dating guys named chris…

That must have really bothered you.

It didn’t look stupid on my page.

It’s a joke.

Because me and my friends

Have about 8 chris’ programmed

In our cell phones.

And we find it hilarious

That all the guys I talk to

Are named Chris.

It’s an overrated name.

It’s almost as common

As Muhammad.

I don’t think I’m religious.

I’ve really lost touch.

I wish I could get back into

My faith.

But I haven’t found anyone

That can help me

Or is willing to help.

I don’t judge you

For pot or cigarettes.

My closest friends at UB

Smoke all the time.

It’s just a personal choice.

I’m 19.

If I go to Canada it’s legal

To drink.

And I think drinking isn’t as bad

As a drug like pot.

Because that stays in your system

For a month.

And I can’t afford that.

Alcohol is broken down

Over a few hours.

I don’t go clubbing a lot.

I went like 3 times.

And I basically danced with

My girl friends.

I don’t whore it up.

All of my pictures online

Have me completely covered.

I don’t know how you can

See my cleavage through a shirt

That goes up to my neck.

And even if I did show that,

It worked at one point in time

For you.

So you’re just as sick as

All those other guys then.

You didn’t talk to me.

Like you said you would.

You said we’d be best friends.

You obviously got mad

When I called you racist in a comment.

But.

You took me out of your

Top 8 just because I took you out.

And when you got pissed,

Probably because I had a new bf,

You deleted me.

You need to make decisions

For yourself.

Not because someone else

Did something.

And you should think for yourself

And not take someone else’s side.

When they never even knew

Who I really was as a person.

You loved me.

You spent months with me.

You told me things

You never told anyone before.

I know that I meant

A whole lot to you.

I’m not sure what changed.

Or when it did.

But you pretended.

And you lied.

And you never kept your word.

You disappointed me.

And I can’t write to you privately.

Because it’s blocked.

You I have to share it with

“the world”

Sorry that everyone else

Has to read this.

...and nothing less.

2008-03-06T22:50:03Z

I can picture you laughing at me.
as the smoke fills the room.
But you don't even know me.
I never talked to you.
Like I wanted.
I remember crying.
About how I wish I knew.
what to say.
It was all my choice.
To make you hate me.
I just don't think it's fair.
You never gave me a chance.
You judged me from the start.
You all think
I judged you.
For your habits.
But I honestly didn't.
You need to know.
That I loved him.
I loved him with everything
I could offer.
He was the perfect man.
It's funny
how feelings change
over a short period of time.
And it's strange
that my stomach still hurts
when I realize
there's nothing there
anymore.

otrueapothecary @ 2008-02-26T21:51:00

2008-02-27T02:54:22Z

I am exhausted lately.
Right now I have a huge cardboard camera I'm making staring me in the face.
But I just want to go to bed and finish in the morning.

I'm freaking out because I got to get a shot tomorrow morning.
I always throw up and then pass out.
And then I feel weak all day.
And I have work at noon.

Thomas and I spent a little time together during/in between classes.
It was kinda nice.
I started talking to him about my guy problems.
He was a good listener.
He makes me smile.
He's like a brother to me.

I'd post more.
But I'm going to bed.
And it's before 10 pm.

otrueapothecary @ 2008-02-26T21:51:00

2008-02-27T02:51:52Z

So you're just single and bored.
That's what you said.

otrueapothecary @ 2008-01-29T23:40:00

2008-01-30T04:53:28Z

I'm supposed to be writing a paper on these urban pictures I took in Buffalo for my one art class, but I can't focus. Not one bit. I got my flash drive back from Durfe's house...it's been like 3 months since I've used this. Of course there's like all these pictures of Jack on there because I used to draw from them all the time. I was pissed off at first when I saw them, but then suddenly I lost the will of motivation to do my art project for tomorrow, and I suddenly grew sad. And now I'm crying.

It sucked going to my grandmothers house the other night because she asked about Jack. When I told her he was stupid and I didn't care, she was like "wow. You were really in love with him." and just hearing that from my grandmother, who I admire so much because she loved my grandpa so much, it just killed me. I did everything not to cry; I excused myself from the table.

I miss the stupid green bandana bracelet I made for him that he wore every single day that we dated. When he stopped wearing it, I knew he didn't like me anymore.

I miss dancing to Will.I.Am.'s "I got it from my mama" with him. I miss it so much, it's unbearable. We always would dance in his car to that song...he'd be rubbing his body all over and screaming it. I had SO much fun when we did that.

I don't understand it. Lately, it's been tearing me apart. He told me he wanted to be best friends with me. He just said he needed a little time. He also said he'd probably spend New Years Eve with me. Well, I pissed him off on myspace a couple days before christmas. So he sent me mean things on christmas. New Years came and went. Still didn't talk to me. And by the first week of January he deleted me from his friends list on myspace. Yeah...not a big deal, but he's being immature. And now, almost february...he hasn't spoken to me since Decemeber 7th.

It's going on 2 months without him. And I'm still questioning. I'm still hurting. I'm still so pissed off. I'm still crying.

Now I'm in a new relationship. I feel horrible because I can't come right out and tell Chris "yeah I cried today because I saw a picture of Jack." I'm such a stupid girl. I am the stupidest most ridiculous girl I have ever even heard of. I have the worst luck with guys. And yet I keep dating. I keep loving. I keep giving. I keep disrespecting myself. I keep trusting.

Why am I trusting? There is no trust. Nothing there at all. There never was any trust out there for me.

My heart is weak and full of fear.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-31T03:05:00

2007-12-31T08:06:23Z

You're asking me will my love grow.
I don't know,
I don't know.

Merry Christmas.

2007-12-25T23:30:33Z

Christmas Eve was kinda fun.
I did my eye shadow really pretty; I looked at this gorgeous picture in a magazine and did my own version of it and I was completely satisfied.
It was fun knowing I looked hott, even though I had no one to really get dressed up for anyways.

Snacks at my house.
My sister, Russ, aunt, Robbie, Granda, Diane, and my cousin Richie and his bf(?) Tony came over.
I was a lush all night.
I talked of Baileys, but that didn't happen.
I had like 4 glasses of champagne, and 2 rum & cokes.
Only I made the second Rum & coke, and it was all rum.
I'm a mess.
I just felt more outgoing, I didn't even feel a buzz.
I just felt more depressed about being alone this year.
Whatever.

I have a lot to say about Jack, Chris Wright, and Chris Draper, but I'm saving that for an entry all by itself since Medina boys should get their own fucking entry and medallion anyways.

Christmas day.
Went to bed late. Woke up early.
My mom went crazy with her slot machine bank.
She's such a gambler! It's almost cute..
Everytime she won, money came out, or the light went on she screamed and smiled so big.
I took a picture, and it made my day!
Gift exchange with the family went well.
I always get SO much and feel SO bad about it.
I got so much, you can't even imagine.
I'm not trying to boast or anything. I feel horrible I got so much.
The biggest surprises I got was a Quesadilla maker and a huge diamond the size of my hand.
I always wanted a huge dimaond to put on my dresser because I'm stupid like that.
Even with all these gifts I got, I got money on top of it.
I don't even know what to do with myself or what I have.
There is nothing else in the world I could possibly want, I have so fucking much.
I feel spoiled even though I know I'm not.
Remember. I pay my OWN cell phone bill.
When my mom borrows $10, I don't ask for it back like an asshole.
I know my parents do so much for me and support me with everything.
I'd be a fucking douche bag to ask for $10. wtf.

I want to drink Baileys from a shoe.

Merry Christmas.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-23T12:54:00

2007-12-23T17:55:39Z

I would love nothing more than to punch him in the face.

How can you leave someone like 2 comments on myspace without knowing who they are
and say "You seem really nice!"

wtf?

I'm just so fucking weirded out lately.
Everyone sucks.

SUB ZERO.

2007-12-22T19:28:27Z

Last night I decided to go out dancing with Carmen and Shana.
We went to Subzero and it was almost 1 am.
When we got there, it was packed and people were dancing a lot.
So it was really exciting, because I hate it when I waste money on a stupid club.
So we start dancing and right off the bat, this guy starts dancing with me.
He proceeds to tell me that he's from London and he works with a modeling company
and that I should model.
He kept telling Carmen and Shana how beautiful I was.
He then wanted to buy me a drink.
So the safe thing is to go with them and watch the drink the whole time.
I told him I wanted water, but he bought me vodka.
Okay.
I took like 2 sips of it because I was driving and I didn't want to drink at a club where I don't know anyone.
Us 3 girls kept dancing...
meanwhile that dude that likes me and my ass was getting really drunk.
so I didn't dance with him anymore haha.
I got a drink out of it though.
So then there's this weird indian dude that keeps trying to dance with me.
And he's doing this weird little bent over booty shake
and it's pissing me off.
Like it was just wrong. So I wanted him away from me.
One dude had a hard penis. That pissed me off too.
We went to the bathroom a few times to fix our hair and went outside to catch some air.
Then there was a group of like 4 friends.
And they all seemed normal. And most were cute.
Carmen was dancing with the sabres jersey guy with the beanie.
I had this short dude with glasses.
And Shana had this preppy hott guy.
Then Carmen freaks out, because Sabres guy is trying to touch her.
The short dude with the glasses is doing some weird butt thing, so I grab onto some guy in a leather jacket.
This guy in the leath jacket introduces himself to me right away.
His name is Alex.
And he danced so well and he was so nice.
And I told him how the weird indian guy was pissing me off,
so he made sure that when that guy came near me, he turned me around so I wouldn't be near him.
We danced like 10 or more songs right in a row.
I was getting so tired.
And before we left, he hugged me and told me how nice it was to meet me.
He was so nice!
And I didn't get home til like 5 am.
But it was a fun night. And it was worth it. And I definitely got a work out.

THE END.

I knew there was something missing in my life.

2007-12-22T01:47:05Z

Tonight I spent a couple hours at Barnes and Noble.
I curled up on a comfy chair and just read this amazingly awesome book.
It's a book of random love letters compiled into a bound up published book.
Some of these letters were mail, e-mail, text messages, IM's, on napkins, and etc.
The book was so interesting, I ended up reading half of it!
I found some of the letters downright hilarious,
and some were just so beautiful words couldn't explain it.

I really wish I could work at Barnes and Noble.
But no one ever gets hired there for reasons unknown.
I know a dozen people who have filled out atleast 3 applications within 2 years and never got hired.
I wish they'd give me a chance.
I feel like writing at the top of the application
"Please pay attention to this applicant!"
I'd be a great worker there.
I'd be rcommending books left and right to people.

Anyways, I basically realized how much I love reading.
And how reading makes me feel intelligent and gives me an enlightenment.
I also remembered my life-long dream
of going on a date to Barnes and Noble and we both wear argyle sweaters
and talk about a wonderful book together.
or a celebrity. or something we both are very passionate about.
Maybe even the band Thursday.
I still hold that dream dear in my heart.
And. It will come true one day.

I'll make it happen :]

I'm in a good mood today.

2007-12-21T16:54:04Z

I went to the doctors and I did have an ear infection but it's healing now!
YAY I shant be sick for christmas!
Then my daddy took me to breakfast!
And dayumm, I love breakfast. what a good meal. hahaha

I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.
I don't have to worry about a pothead being my bf anymore.
I can go out dancing.
There's this cute boy, Kevin, I am crushing on.
No. Not kevin doran.
This guy is a senior at UB, and he's GORGEOUS. and looks like justin timberlake!
MHMM :]

I'm going to have fun with this being single stuff.
I might be seeing a guy right now in secret, but I don't think it'll go anywhere soon.

Jenny and I hung out last night.
We went to this hardcore gangster store down in the ghetto of Niagara Falls.
We bought sweet fitted grillz!
Mine have blue and white diamonds! OMGOSH they are rad!

And I'm trying to get a job at Starbucks.
I wanna be a hott barista <3

Mhmmm hmmm mhmm mhmmm applebottom jeans!

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-21T11:43:00

2007-12-21T16:47:53Z

So Robby 2 Step made me feel better about everything yesterday.

Robby2step: yeah it seems it. you're upset because a pothead broke up with you and he said you're no fun.

lol why does that sound so funny?

Because. it's the truth. and it is funny. hahahahaha

had another bad dream.

2007-12-19T17:50:46Z

I had a dream that Chris Wright came over.
My dad came upstairs after work to change so he hid under my parents bed.
But because he's an R-tard, he turned on the light and pushed pants out from under the bed when my dad was in the room.
Therefore, my dad was like "Alright Jack. Come out. You 2 can solve out your problems"
Only it wasn't Jack, and it was Chris.
And then my parents freaked out.
And then some lady and my mom sat me down and told me "How do you think Chris got his new car?
He took it out of your bank account. He stole your money"
Then Chris Wright left the room and ran to his car and left.
And I started crying and running after him on the opposite side of the road.
But he drove out into oblivion and I almost got ran over by a semi truck,
but I jumped out of the way.

That's when I woke up pissed off.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-19T12:41:00

2007-12-19T17:45:25Z

I'm attracted to drugs addicts, stoners, and 5 year olds.
And they seem nice at first, but then they show their true colors.
And they suck.

I feel like Carmen right now.
Except I'm getting my hair done soon.
And I lost 13 pounds recently.

The only thing I seem to be good at lately is being a whore.
And I kinda like it.
I don't want a relationship.

On top of it I feel sick.

And he was supposed to be here at 10 am ish.
And he texted me at 11:17...
whatever, he'll be here.
but it's 12:43 already.
Can't even take the time to wake up early and see me.
I don't fucking like you.
I'll just use you.

I'll fuck you for the taste, like atreyu!

Jude Law and a semester abroad.

2007-12-15T23:24:05Z

Yesterday Lauren, Jeremy, Deanna, Chris, and I went on quite a journey to RIT to see Brand New!
The car ride was so funn!
We stopped by burger king and jeremy got lots of pickles on his burger, like always...
We sang T Pain a lot, and The Medic Droid.
I wanted to slap a bitchhhhhh(chris haha)

And yay! we went to Brand New.
Thrice played! And I never ever gave them a chance...
But they played so well...I found them amazing! So I've been listening to them like all day..
When Brand New played there was this crazy man next to me.
And of course I'm being loud and dancing around pretending to be Mikey J with my black shoes and white socks..
So this guy is like "I don't think you're crazy!"
and he checked me out the whole show apparently...
It was reallly funny but he was way nerdy kinda haha.

The show was overall really awesome and I was glad to get out.
Afterwards, our carload went to Tahous, and I had my first garbage plate!
It was really different but awesome!
And I talked of Dorothy Mantooth, and this guy at another table was like "She's a saint!"
and the night was just wonderful.

I got home at like 2 am or something, and then Ryan Nicpon and I texted til like almost 5 am.
And I slept til 1 pm and hated getting up late.

And I keep procrastinating 3 critiques to e-mail to my theatre teacher...it really sucks.

Every day is getting better and better.

2007-12-14T04:27:06Z

On Tuesday I went to see Kissmas Bash with Durfe!
We had matching shirts, that said "Im gifted"
so i was a big present! I'm sure everyone wanted to unwrap me. hahaha
It turned out to be a whole lot of funnnn
I HEART SEAN KINGSTON. and other various good music.

I LOVE T PAIN MORE THAN YOUR LIFE. GET OVER ITTTTT.

Anyways I've been having lots of fun.
I went to the mall with my sister and Bree tonight.
At Fridays, It turned out to be my birthday!
They gave me 3 red balloons and all the workers sang to me!
Got free dessert because they knew some dude from a club that was obsessed with Krista.
I didn't even know haha...
I went in the bathroom and they said it was my birthday.
Then all the workers came charging at me with ice cream, cheesecake and balloons...
Next all I know is I'm laughing sooo hard and my sister's taking a phone video of it all.
I HAD FUN!

Brand New is tomorrow! I want to see Carmen, that boyyy, DANNN (my boyyyy, kinda), also Ryan Nicpon and Mike Allis.

I'm going to go text people now.

Jack is a fatass. I kinda really don't like him at all. I don't even know if I want to talk to him.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-12T12:12:00

2007-12-12T17:26:48Z

One moment I feel good and I'm having fun and I'm happy.
The next second, I'm at home which isn't really a home and I feel empty.
I get lonely and sad.
I miss those night time phone calls.
Why does the healing of a broken heart take forever?
I'm not that broken; I'm confused. I'm hurting and it's unfair.

I like this good charlotte song a lot. it makes me dance, and it's just perfect.

"She’s going out to forget they were together = I go out to clubs
All that time he was taking her for granted = He pretended to love me for i dont know how long..
She wants to see if there’s more
than he gave she’s looking for" = there's something better out there for me

He calls her up
He’s trippin on the phone now = he's probably going to parties and drinking more
He doesn’t want her out there
And alone now = he gets jealous way too easily
He knows she’s movin it
Knows she’s using it = i'm dancing around town
Now he’s losing it
She don’t care = whatever. i want to forget him.

I don’t wanna be in love.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-11T12:53:00

2007-12-11T17:57:44Z

Lauren and I chilled last night.
Went to Target, drove around the ghetto in Niagara Falls.
We went to the Bel-Aire hotel and left a note that said "Is the fresh prince here?!'

There's this awesome guy that goes to Niagara University and he loves Thursday<3
And I'm now the lead vocalist for his band.
I am so pumped. And excited. And happy.
We talked on the phone for like an hour yesterday; we're going to be awesome friends!!
YAYY

And that boy at the club the other night,
he didn't even see me! PHEWW
And he told me next time to just grab him and start freakin'
hehehehe :]

I'm having so much fun lately.
Call me and drop it like it's hottttt.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-11T12:51:00

2007-12-11T17:52:48Z

I'm a vocalist for a band! And I'm so excited!!

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-09T17:17:00

2007-12-09T22:24:35Z

So I'm trying to study for sociology for my exam tomorrow, but I just can't concentrate clearly.
I talked to Jack earlier and he's good. He's relieved we aren't together.
I guess I should feel happy though that his life is better now.
I hate knowing that I was bringing someone's life down or something.
I feel better about the situation...
I just want to stay very close friends, but I'm not sure how it'll work.
I guess it's all up to him.

As for now,
Chris Draper keeps texting me.
And it's weird because Jack, Chris Wright, & Chris Draper used to be best friends.
I dated Chris Wright. Then Jack.
And now Chris Draper is saying kinda weird lines to me and stuff.
And he's probably just being really nice to me because he knows I'm hurt and upset.
So I'm not thinking much of it right now.
But I don't think I can handle another Medina guy or drug user.
It's just not what my heart is longing for.

Man. Studying sucks. I'm getting no where because I'm texting instead.

I had a bad dream

2007-12-09T17:26:33Z

I had this dream that my parents paid Jack $100 to break up with me and end it so that I don't cry anymore for him always breaking up with me.

I woke up pissed.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-09T12:14:00

2007-12-09T17:25:28Z

Jack broke up with me again!
hahahahahahahaa
I went through a period of sadness.
When he did it, I screamed and I ended up hitting him and pushing him.
Kinda like in the Notebook when the lovers break up.
I hate how he pretended.
Like he doesn't even know what he wants.
I asked if he wanted to be with me.
And he's like "I don't know."
You know what?! Fuck that shit.
I don't deserve that.
I'm not going to be with someone who loves you one day,
and the next day doesn't know.
This is his loss.
He's not going to find someone like me again.
Whatever.

We've had wonderful times together.
I really thought we were perfect at one time.
But I guess we both knew things were wearing off
and we both felt different.
But neither of us wanted to admit it.
I still love him. But I think as a best friend.
I want to be best friends and talk all the time like how we used to.
But he's basically ignoring me right now because he's a D-bag.

Then I went through a period of anger and Wtf? so I went out dancing last night.
With Carmen and Lauren.
And it was such an awesome and funny night.
I'm so glad it happened.

We went to Club New York in Niagara Falls and it ended up being Niagara University night.
Carmen didn't have her ID.
So I flirted crazily with the bouncer and told him how I used a GPS to get there.
He looked italian.
And wore lots of gold and white snow cap hat.
He decided that he'd let all 3 of us in for free if we got carmen's ID.
So that's saving $30.
So I drove to Tonawanda.
I used the LaSalle Expressway and it was my first time kinda on a thruway so I felt all badass.
And it wasn't even bad.
We got Carmen's ID and drove back to the club.
I made my own parking spot because there was no parking.
I started a trend and others followed me.
We got in for free. We started dancing.
Good music. It was packed.
Oreo of 3 black guys on us.
They left us after one song.
We got bored after an hour or so.We left.
It was not a good club. Maybe because it was NU night. Idk.
We went to Denny's and this serve, Nick, sat with us and said weird things like
"90 miles an hour. Balls to wall!" and he got me an application to work there.
Then he came by again and said "I had to adjust myself. My Pee-Pee fell out of my boxer hole."
We were disgusted and Carmen told him to leave the table.
Then people were hooking up all over the place at Dennys...it was like 3:30 am.
These 2 college guys started talking to us.
Dave and Justin.
Dave likes Lauren hahaha. yay
and i drove home.

My high heels killed. My legs hurt. I went to bed.

otrueapothecary @ 2007-12-05T21:49:00

2007-12-06T02:55:00Z

Yesterday was such a great day at school.
I love Chris Hodge, Lea Bagne, and Sapan Katwala.
They are sooo awesome.
Chris and I decided to leave our theatre class and journeyed outside.
That's when I realized I wanted to play hide and seek!
Chris texted Lea to come out and play with us!
And there was a whole lot of seeking...and not much hiding haha. but it was fun.
When we went back in the classroom, I guess I kept saying weird things like
"text sex" and "fuzzy handcuffs"
and then I learned a new word : Felatio.
HAHHAHA and we had quite a class.
Chris is an "asshat" ~Lea
Chris performs felatio on Santa!
And then later on Sapan texts me with...
"Hey are you and Chris having text felatio?" hahahahaha
"I want to read some of your conversation on Thursday. Save the texts."
Then I called him a pervert!
And he's from India, and he was like "What's Pervert?! I'll look it up on google..."
hahahahahhaa
OMGOSH.
These 3 people make my life hahahhaa.
They make me so happy.
I'm so glad I finally figured out who I belong with at UB.
And it's definitely the theatre kids :]