Old journal.
I feel like a better person when I write in there.

:]

I can't wait for summer.
And ice cream. 
And no school.
And driving with my windows down.
And slayering people.
And taking photographs everywhere.
And hopefully,
spending it with some of my new UB friends.
I'd like that a lot. 

You say you wouldn't talk about me.
But I know you do.
Maybe I'm just too good at using a computer.
I'm not ignorant.
I'm confused.
I don't have 5 blogs.
I dont have 7 websites.
I have LJ, myspace, and Facebook.
The whole world doesn't see.
If that were true,
that'd be truly amazing.
But not everyone knows me.
I am insignificant 
in this huge world.
Others can't afford a computer.
You tell me my speculations are wrong.
But what about yours?
You were way off.
I don't know any guy
that loves thursday.
And if I did, that'd be really awesome.
That’s like if you found a girl
That liked your brothers band a lot
You’d want to talk about it
Because it’s really cool.
Don’t deny that.
If what I wrote doesn’t get to you
Why would you write to me?
A 5 paragraph soliloquy. 
Obviously it got to you.
I’m not an idiot.
And a college girl
Going to school to be a teacher…
Laughing at someone 
Because of what they wrote
And because they have feelings.
That is the definition of immature.
I can’t believe a girl
The age of my sister doing that.
That’s petty.
You shouldn’t have even told me that.
You made her look like a complete idiot.
Maybe calling you fat
Is a way that I cope.
Because it might make me feel better.
Which is strange.
I’m not fat. 
You always told me I wasn’t.
You told me I was beautiful.
That doesn’t change.
I still am.
And you still think so.
I never said I hated you.

To point out something about

Dating guys named chris…

That must have really bothered you.

It didn’t look stupid on my page.

It’s a joke.

Because me and my friends

Have about 8 chris’ programmed

In our cell phones.

And we find it hilarious

That all the guys I talk to

Are named Chris.

It’s an overrated name.

It’s almost as common

As Muhammad.

I don’t think I’m religious.

I’ve really lost touch.

I wish I could get back into

My faith.

But I haven’t found anyone

That can help me

Or is willing to help.

I don’t judge you

For pot or cigarettes.

My closest friends at UB

Smoke all the time.

It’s just a personal choice.

I’m 19.

If I go to Canada it’s legal

To drink.

And I think drinking isn’t as bad

As a drug like pot.

Because that stays in your system

For a month.

And I can’t afford that.

Alcohol is broken down

Over a few hours.

I don’t go clubbing a lot.

I went like 3 times.

And I basically danced with

My girl friends.

I don’t whore it up.

All of my pictures online

Have me completely covered.

I don’t know how you can

See my cleavage through a shirt

That goes up to my neck.

And even if I did show that,

It worked at one point in time

For you.

So you’re just as sick as

All those other guys then.

 

You didn’t talk to me.

Like you said you would.

You said we’d be best friends.

You obviously got mad

When I called you racist in a comment.

But.

You took me out of your

Top 8 just because I took you out.

And when you got pissed,

Probably because I had a new bf,

You deleted me.

You need to make decisions

For yourself.

Not because someone else

Did something.

And you should think for yourself

And not take someone else’s side.

When they never even knew

Who I really was as a person.

You loved me.

You spent months with me.

You told me things

You never told anyone before.

I know that I meant

A whole lot to you.

I’m not sure what changed.

Or when it did.

But you pretended.

And you lied.

And you never kept your word.

You disappointed me.

 

And I can’t write to you privately.

Because it’s blocked.

You I have to share it with

“the world”

Sorry that everyone else

Has to read this.

 

I can picture you laughing at me.
as the smoke fills the room.
But you don't even know me.
I never talked to you.
Like I wanted.
I remember crying.
About how I wish I knew.
what to say.
It was all my choice.
To make you hate me.
I just don't think it's fair.
You never gave me a chance.
You judged me from the start.
You all think 
I judged you.
For your habits.
But I honestly didn't.
You need to know.
That I loved him.
I loved him with everything
I could offer.
He was the perfect man.
It's funny
how feelings change
over a short period of time.
And it's strange
that my stomach still hurts
when I realize
there's nothing there
anymore.

 

I  am exhausted lately.
Right now I have a huge cardboard camera I'm making staring me in the face.
But I just want to go to bed and finish in the morning.

I'm freaking out because I got to get a shot tomorrow morning.
I always throw up and then pass out.
And then I feel weak all day.
And I have work at noon.

Thomas and I spent a little time together during/in between classes.
It was kinda nice.
I started talking to him about my guy problems.
He was a good listener. 
He makes me smile.
He's like a brother to me.

I'd post more.
But I'm going to bed.
And it's before 10 pm. 

So you're just single and bored.
That's what you said.

I'm supposed to be writing a paper on these urban pictures I took in Buffalo for my one art class, but I can't focus. Not one bit.  I got my flash drive back from Durfe's house...it's been like 3 months since I've used this. Of course there's like all these pictures of Jack on there because I used to draw from them all the time. I was pissed off at first when I saw them, but then suddenly I lost the will of motivation to do my art project for tomorrow, and I suddenly grew sad. And now I'm crying.

It sucked going to my grandmothers house the other night because she asked about Jack. When I told her he was stupid and I didn't care, she was like "wow. You were really in love with him." and just hearing that from my grandmother, who I admire so much because she loved my grandpa so much, it just killed me. I did everything not to cry; I excused myself from the table.

I miss the stupid green bandana bracelet I made for him that he wore every single day that we dated. When he stopped wearing it, I knew he didn't like me anymore.

I miss dancing to Will.I.Am.'s "I got it from my mama" with him. I miss it so much, it's unbearable. We always would dance in his car to that song...he'd be rubbing his body all over and screaming it. I had SO much fun when we did that.

I don't understand it. Lately, it's been tearing me apart. He told me he wanted to be best friends with me. He just said he needed a little time. He also said he'd probably spend New Years Eve with me. Well, I pissed him off on myspace a couple days before christmas. So he sent me mean things on christmas. New Years came and went. Still didn't talk to me. And by the first week of January he deleted me from his friends list on myspace. Yeah...not a big deal, but he's being immature. And now, almost february...he hasn't spoken to me since Decemeber 7th.

It's going on 2 months without him. And I'm still questioning. I'm still hurting. I'm still so pissed off. I'm still crying.

Now I'm in a new relationship. I feel horrible because I can't come right out and tell Chris "yeah I cried today because I saw a picture of Jack." I'm such a stupid girl. I am the stupidest most ridiculous girl I have ever even heard of. I have the worst luck with guys. And yet I keep dating. I keep loving. I keep giving. I keep disrespecting myself. I keep trusting.

Why am I trusting? There is no trust. Nothing there at all. There never was any trust out there for me.

My heart is weak and full of fear.

 

 

Current Mood: depressed

You're asking me will my love grow.
I don't know, 
I don't know.

Christmas Eve was kinda fun.
I did my eye shadow really pretty; I looked at this gorgeous picture in a magazine and did my own version of it and I was completely satisfied. 
It was fun knowing I looked hott, even though I had no one to really get dressed up for anyways.

Snacks at my house. 
My sister, Russ, aunt, Robbie, Granda, Diane, and my cousin Richie and his bf(?) Tony came over.
I was a lush all night.
I talked of Baileys, but that didn't happen.
I had like 4 glasses of champagne, and 2 rum & cokes.
Only I made the second Rum & coke, and it was all rum.
I'm a mess.
I just felt more outgoing, I didn't even feel a buzz.
I just felt more depressed about being alone this year.
Whatever.

I have a lot to say about Jack, Chris Wright, and Chris Draper, but I'm saving that for an entry all by itself since Medina boys should get their own fucking entry and medallion anyways.

Christmas day.
Went to bed late. Woke up early.
My mom went crazy with her slot machine bank.
She's such a gambler! It's almost cute..
Everytime she won, money came out, or the light went on she screamed and smiled so big.
I took a picture, and it made my day!
Gift exchange with the family went well.
I always get SO much and feel SO bad about it.
I got so much, you can't even imagine.
I'm not trying to boast or anything. I feel horrible I got so much.
The biggest surprises I got was a Quesadilla maker and a huge diamond the size of my hand.
I always wanted a huge dimaond to put on my dresser because I'm stupid like that.
Even with all these gifts I got, I got money on top of it.
I don't even know what to do with myself or what I have.
There is nothing else in the world I could possibly want, I have so fucking much.
I feel spoiled even though I know I'm not.
Remember. I pay my OWN cell phone bill.
When my mom borrows $10, I don't ask for it back like an asshole.
I know my parents do so much for me and support me with everything.
I'd be a fucking douche bag to ask for $10. wtf.

I want to drink Baileys from a shoe.

Merry Christmas.

Current Music: Sean Kingston - Take You There

I would love nothing more than to punch him in the face.

How can you leave someone like 2 comments on myspace without knowing who they are
and say "You seem really nice!"

wtf?

I'm just so fucking weirded out lately.
Everyone sucks.